The Monday After • Feb 9, 2026
When Marriage is a Struggle
Darren Carlson
I've been married for over twenty years, and I still feel like I'm figuring it out as I go. Neither of us, I believe, was truly "prepared" for what was ahead. But then, is anyone ever ready?
One of the joys of being a pastor is walking with couples in pre-marital counseling—two people eager, hopeful, and convinced love will carry them. Then, on the wedding day, I get to stand just a few feet away as they make vows that are both beautiful and weighty. My goal, as the pastor, is simple: don't be memorable. If you remember the pastor, he probably did something wrong.
But I've also sat across from couples years later—tired, guarded, and ready to call it quits. Habits have created hardness. Conversations have become hard to start. People are just tired of their spouse's sin or the annoying little things that have accumulated over time. Husbands have told their wives to "calm down" one too many times. Wives have offered more free advice than the husband can handle. I've been with friends whose marriages are quietly unraveling and with couples who are openly falling apart. If anything, those conversations have taught me three things.
Shared responsibility is essential for progress
Healing stalls when one spouse insists all the blame belongs to the other. True victims exist—especially in situations of abuse—and that must be said plainly. But in most marriages, both spouses contribute (often in very different ways) to the pain they're experiencing. Until each person can honestly own their part, meaningful change is almost always out of reach. I think sometimes people end up in counseling just to invite someone into their marriage to prove how crazy the person they sleep next to is. The reality is that two people sleep in that bed, and they are both contributing to healing and brokenness. Spouses can truly help each other. Carl Trueman once wrote of Martin Luther that, "His wife was able to save him from the excesses of his personality." That is true of every marriage!
Divorce often requires inventing a villain
I believe Scripture makes limited provision for divorce, and I have walked beside couples in those heartbreaking circumstances. But when a believer simply wants out, there's often a subtle pressure to rewrite the story—to recast a flawed spouse as a monster in order to feel justified. That narrative is usually built on half-truths, selective memory, and exaggeration. I've seen social media histories scrubbed, kind words erased, and new narratives created by spouses who just want out. It doesn't bring relief; it deepens bitterness and multiplies brokenness. And it rarely stays private. Others get recruited into the story, and friendships often fracture when people won't "play along." The tentacles of sin always go farther out than we expect. Like the old sayings, "Sin will take you farther than you want to go, keep you longer than you want to stay, and cost you more than you want to pay." Of course, that was written by a man who was found to be having affairs around the world!
Counseling demands disciplined restraint
I have to hold back—because many of the frustrations a wife voices about her husband are weaknesses I recognize in myself. That is why it is helpful to have my wife with me when talking to a couple that is struggling! I have to hold back—because even when a path forward seems obvious, the couple needs to discover it and choose it, or the change won't stick. And I have to hold back—because I'm for both husband and wife. The moment I rush to defend one, I can unintentionally wound the other. This is not just what a pastor should do, but a friend to anyone who is struggling.
If you're in a hard season, ask some friends to spend some time with you. Maybe ask yourself these three questions:
- What makes you difficult to live with?
- How do you sin against your spouse?
- What can you do to improve your marriage?
On November 24, 2024 (yes, I remember the exact date), a woman approached me and said, "You need to talk to my husband." As a pastor, my mind immediately started racing with possibilities—was he struggling with something? Did he need counsel? Did he do something stupid? But she was persistent. "No, you really need to talk to him."
She has been attending our church for a long time, and he would often come with her. As I approached him, he turned to me with a smile and said, "I became a Christian yesterday." I stood there, completely stunned.
His wife has been praying for him faithfully for years. His salvation has been a constant prayer request, lifted by her and many in our church. That fall, they decided to join a life group for the first time. It was full, but the group made space because they knew them and wanted to welcome them in.
That week, he took a truckload of supplies to North Carolina to help those recovering from the hurricane. After delivering the supplies, he drove by the Billy Graham Library in Charlotte and decided to stop in. By the time he left, he had given his life to Christ. Someone there shared the gospel with him and led him to trust in Jesus. He concluded the story with, "I'm 67 years old. It's never too late."
To celebrate, he went to Chick-fil-A, and then called his wife and said, "Guess what? I trusted Christ."
When I went back to his wife, she said, "He's changed so much already. He's different."
To those who are married to unbelieving spouses: keep praying. The Lord knows.
The three questions above that I asked you to consider come from a Desiring God article I wrote years ago. Read it here.
Thanks for checking in.
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